Dear Annie: I’ve been in a long marriage. In the early years, we had happy times, but things have changed. For a while now, I’ve been enduring emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse from my husband. He often makes humiliating comments about me in front of others. When I try to call him out, he says I’m too sensitive or claims he was just joking. But it doesn’t feel like a joke; it feels degrading.
The moment that shook me happened recently while my 3-year-old granddaughter was sitting beside me, coloring. Out of nowhere, my husband said to her, “Rosie, Nanny isn’t educated. Nanny doesn’t know very much.” I took a deep breath and decided not to react in the moment.
Later that evening, after our granddaughter had gone home, I brought it up with him. He looked at me with wide, innocent eyes and said, “Janie, I would never say anything like that to you.” He repeated it, again and again, staring at me like I was losing my mind. For a moment, I believed him. I actually questioned my own memory.
But then I realized exactly what had happened. He had gaslighted me—completely denied reality and made me doubt my own sanity. And that’s when I finally drew a line. I took my bedding and slept in a separate room.
Still, the next morning, I woke up feeling numb and deeply anxious, like I was unraveling. It was frightening. Later, I heard him muttering under his breath, still denying what he had said, acting like I had made it all up. I didn’t. I know what I heard, and I know how it made me feel. I know I need to end this marriage, but I’m scared. He can be cruel, and I fear how mean and manipulative he’ll become if I try to leave. But staying is taking a toll on my mental health, and I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself.
Isn’t my sanity worth more than a marriage that slowly breaks me down? How do I find the strength to leave?
—Feeling Lost
Dear Feeling Lost: Yes. Your sanity is worth more than a marriage that chips away at your self-worth. And yes, your mental health is absolutely priceless.
What you are describing is emotional abuse, and it is real. The humiliation, the gaslighting, the denial of your own opinions is not just painful; it is damaging. Anyone who makes you question your memory, your intelligence, or your reality is not loving you. They are controlling you.
You are not crazy. You are not too sensitive. You are waking up.
You have already taken an important step by setting a boundary and sleeping in another room. That is courage. Now it is time to build on that courage and take care of yourself. That might mean speaking to a therapist who specializes in trauma or emotional abuse. It might mean calling a domestic abuse hotline or a lawyer to quietly explore your options.
You do not have to do everything all at once. But you do need a plan and support.
Leaving may be hard. He may become mean, manipulative, or even more cruel. But staying in this situation is worse. You are not alone, and you do deserve peace.
Here are some resources that may help: — National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org—offers confidential support, safety planning, and local referrals 24/7 — Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com)—searchable directory to find licensed therapists in your area — WomensLaw.org—legal information and guidance for those considering separation or divorce due to abuse.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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