Dear Eric: My 31-year-old daughter, Lauren, is relocating to California and taking only what fits in her car. She’s embracing a minimalist lifestyle and recently told me there’s nothing she wants me to pass down to her. I’ll admit I was shocked. She’s the youngest in my bloodline, and I always imagined certain heirlooms or sentimental items going to her.
I have two granddaughters from my stepdaughter, Rachel (age 32). I’m very close with both girls and have spent a lot of time with them throughout their lives. Rachel, the girls, and their grandmother (my stepdaughter’s mom) all live together. I also have a 5-year-old granddaughter from my stepson.
I plan to box up Lauren’s personal mementos and let her decide what to keep or discard — that feels like a reasonable boundary. But I’m struggling with what to do about my heirlooms, the things I imagined would carry forward as part of my family’s story.
Do I offer them to Lauren first out of respect for her place as my biological daughter, even if she seems uninterested? Or is it OK to start thinking about passing things on to the step-grandchildren I feel close to, who might actually value them?
I’m not dead yet, but I’d rather see these things appreciated than left in limbo. How do I navigate this without forcing sentiment where it’s not wanted, but also not letting meaningful items disappear unceremoniously?
—Looking Ahead
Dear Looking Ahead: Thinking about this in advance is a wonderful idea and a beautiful sentiment. It’s also quite loving that you’re acknowledging what Lauren needs/wants and you aren’t taking it personally. It can be hard when kids don’t want or don’t have room for heirlooms or mementos. I’m glad that you’re finding other ways of honoring your family history.
Because you’ve laid such a healthy groundwork, you can move forward with giving them to your stepchildren and grandchildren. As you do, chat with Lauren about your plan. It’s good to check in, so that she doesn’t feel blindsided, but, more importantly, it’s good to express your own needs — the need to distribute heirlooms.
This way, the inheritance becomes clear channels of communication that allow you both to make informed decisions and to help you support each other.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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