Dear Eric: My older sister and I are in our 40s. Our still-married parents have been fighting since the late 1980s.
A few years ago, I wrote to an advice columnist about our difficult relationship. He responded to the letter.
I emailed my sister the column and said, “We should talk.” She responded, “No! Not interested!” Then she cut me out of communication.
I did not comment on the column, but I did comment on subsequent articles, identifying myself as the letter writer. I wrote that my sister takes after my mother, screams at my father, and I don’t know why either husband tolerates it.
Earlier this year, I was at my cousin’s wedding where I saw my sister for the first time in years. She was cordial but cold to me. When I asked my brother-in-law what the deal was, he said that I had been “rude to them for years and that this might be irreparable.” I didn’t realize they had been following the column and reading the comments.
I don’t understand why the initial advice column made her cut me off. I am unsure what exact comments she did not like, and why she didn’t just contact me to have a conversation?
My mom is unaware of the reasons for the rift, but says, “It is a shame you two do not talk, but it is probably her fault as nobody likes her.” I wrote to my sister, trying to repair this, saying I want her back, but she has not responded. What should I do?
—Sad Brother
Dear Brother: It’s probably jarring to read about oneself in an advice column to which one did not write, even if the intention is good. It’s likely even more jarring to read an on-going comments section detailing one’s faults. So, part of the issue is a feeling of public shaming. I wouldn’t send this one to her.
Your sister has a narrative about your relationship that’s totally different from yours. Some of this is natural, of course. We’re all the stars of our own shows. But it’s clear that your sister has something in her mind that you’ve done wrong. It likely predates the column.
And, from your telling, you have things in mind that she’s done wrong. The berating, for one. And whatever it is that you wrote to the initial advice column about.
So, your sister may be intuiting judgment from you, even though you’re trying to extend an olive branch. The best thing you can do is apologize and respect her boundaries.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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