Dear Eric: My sister and brother-in-law live a couple of hours away. My wife and I get along with them but are not close, and we try to make an effort to see them when we are nearby (a couple times a year). We have a pre-school-age child, while they do not have kids. They are kind and generous to our child when they see him and bring him gifts from their travels when they do see him.
Our son has no cousins or family members that are close in age to him, so we try to encourage strong relationships with the adults around him. Recently, we didn’t answer our door when our family members dropped by, unannounced. We were in the backyard. They deposited some nice gifts by the front door and left, sending a text message of regret.
On its face, this gesture is considerate and appropriate. But we were truly disappointed. We don’t want our son to receive random gifts and material objects; we want him to know his aunt and uncle, have a bond with them, and associate any material gifts with them and their love. Our relatives have done this more than twice, so it’s a pattern.
It’s hard to know how to tell them that their kind gesture fell very short with us. Had they given us 15 minutes’ advance notice (or even called while on the doorstep), we could have seen them. Every response I imagine sounds ungrateful for their gifts. Is it too much to ask them to spend a little time with their nephew?
—Time Is Better Than Gifts
Dear Time: You’ve got a situation that’s almost worthy of an O. Henry story. But all is not lost. They have good intentions, as do you. And everyone is trying to be generous. That’s a great place from which to start.
Thinking generously about their actions, maybe they don’t want to bother you or presume that parents of young kids don’t have time to entertain. Working from that premise, you can start to proactively encourage them to behave differently when they visit.
Try saying something like, “we really hate to miss you; next time you’re coming by, just give us a call when you’re on your way. We’ll be happy to make a visit work. Seriously.” You can make it plain that you want them to build a relationship with your son and invite them to spend quality time with him. “It’s so important that our son knows you; can we set a date for a proper visit?”
Keep the focus on the future, as much as you can, rather than talking about the last fly-by visit. Sometimes people need explicit invitations. But it seems their hearts are in the right place, so with a little guidance, their actions will follow.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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