Dear Annie: I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my older sister for some time now. Unfortunately, I have little time to pursue counseling, and finding an available, competent therapist in my area is difficult.
My older sister hosts the annual holiday dinners, which I used to enjoy and even help out with. But over the last few years, her husband has invited more and more of his relatives — he has something of a savior complex—and the gatherings have become unnecessarily crowded with unpalatable acoustics. I don’t really like his relatives. Long story short, I have no place to go for the holidays. I’m single with few friends and no other family of my own.
This change has caused a little friction between me and my sister. Even though I can make the decision not to attend, it leaves me without family for the holidays. I can’t help but feel some resentment and sadness over this. I have spoken to my sister about it, and it’s clear she wants me to be there, but my BIL’s relatives have come to expect the annual invite, which is hard to retract. I’m so tired of going through the amalgamation of emotions every year.
There’s also a second issue. My sister, like her husband, also seems to be hypersensitive to other people. She insists I always be cheerful and accommodating, regardless of how I feel. For example, I recently avoided an old family acquaintance at the grocery store because I didn’t want to field more nonstop inquiries about my mother, who’s now in a nursing home. I feel these repetitive questions are rude, and I’ve come to dread them. But if my sister were to find out, she’d be very unsympathetic toward me. She doesn’t care about my point of view. The only thing that matters is, in her mind, that I do the “right” thing and talk to this or that person (in the utmost cheerful manner).
She is forceful to the point of bullying me, leaving me angry and in tears sometimes. She allows herself her varied irritations in life but refuses to extend that latitude toward me. She is both rude and hypocritical. Over the years, I’ve thought of moving because our broken relationship is yet another problem for me in the area in which I live. If I can’t get a handle on this, I may very well move.
If you could offer me some constructive feedback, I would truly appreciate it.
— Tired of the Tension
Dear Tired: It sounds like you’ve tried to find common ground with your sister, but your feelings continue to be belittled and dismissed. When that happens over and over, the priority shifts from seeking to be understood to protecting your peace. You can’t control your sister’s behavior, but you can choose how much you want to engage — with her and your BIL, at the holidays and beyond.
If these gatherings leave you feeling drained, it’s OK to step back. Think about what would make these occasions meaningful for you, and give yourself permission to break the mold.
As for your second issue, you don’t owe anyone family updates or cheerful conversation, especially if it comes at your own expense. Creating boundaries and sticking to them is, in fact, the “right” thing to do — for you.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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